Who am I and how did I get here?

I can clearly remember the day.  It was springtime and I don’t know if it was just new life sprouting up around me, but it made me wonder...What's next for me? Is this as good as it gets? I saw the bulbs push through the ground and knew in a week or so it would be a glorious bloom, unapologetic beauty bursting with life.  I couldn't help but see the stark contrast between this flower and my life. I always thought my life and marriage would bloom like that. It was the vision I saw when I met my best friend and we promised each other a life of adventure and love.

Yet here I was. Lonely, unseen and unheard. A chill rushed through me...was this it? I felt powerless. Out of options. Tired.

NO.  I wanted to live an expansive life.  I wanted to feel joy and happiness in my marriage. I wanted him to look across a crowded room at me and light up.

I knew our marriage was a slippery slope, a comfort zone and I desperately wanted to make a change, but I felt so lost and didn’t know where to start. I was overwhelmed by a relationship that was neglected for so long.  Was I wrong to want more?  Was I selfish when things were “working”? Maybe this was just the way things were when you were married for a long time.  It becomes comfortable, too comfortable.

My inside voice was screaming at me louder each day and every day I drowned it out by other things. Until the day I met my crossroad. It was raw and real and there was no going back.  What lay ahead scared me but I needed to make a decision of staying and committing to making my marriage work or leaving and taking my life in an entirely different direction. 

16 Years of marriage was a thick book of memories and I wasn’t ready to give up just yet.  I knew rebuilding my relationship would take courage and vulnerability and I couldn’t do it alone. I studied, I read books, I attended seminars and hired my own private coach to give me the space I needed to explore what I wanted my relationship to look like.  

I found a supportive community that made me realise that I was not alone, my fears were the fears of others, my obstacles in my relationship were exactly the way other women were feeling at this life stage. Slowly I started seeing changes in myself. 

As we worked through things together and new things kept coming up I constantly got stuck in my emotions as I tried to process, which made progress difficult. I kept thinking if only he would change we had a chance of restoring our relationship. But I realised that I needed to do a lot of self exploration to really show up in my relationship the way I needed to.  It took me a long time to figure things out by myself.  There was a lot of trial and error and it would have been a lot easier if there was a process to follow.

The right support, guidance and structure is crucial for success. Through this journey I realised that I was not alone and that I wanted to help women show up more empowered to be themselves in a relationship and not feeling like they have to settle for a mediocre relationship. 

Today in my own marriage we have more open and real conversations about our relationship. We are intentional about putting the relationship needs first and know that whatever we do today will impact the legacy we leave behind. Today I have taken my power back. The power to love myself and my partner wholeheartedly. A power you can only get through love and not fear and doubt.

I have a clear sense of who I am and what I want my life to look like. I have developed a trust within myself to stay true to who I am and what my purpose is.  I am excited about the future and I know deep inside that no matter what life throws at me I am a strong tower beaming my light into the world. 

I am unshaken because I know who I am and I want the same for you!